When I read articles, see posts on Facebook, hear greetings on the radio of people talking about nice things about their father, it makes me pause for a while and think, "Why do I feel empty?".
I know it's not normal. But that is how I feel. Really...
Nevertheless, I have my own perception of a good dad.
A GOOD DAD...
is a good provider and doesn't count and record every centavo that he gives to his family.
says words of encouragement and would never mock or belittle his children.
is selfless and prioritizes his family above anyone else.
preserves the honor of the family and will not do something that will destroy its reputation.
is a priest of the home that brings his family closer to God.
treats his wife with so much love and respect.
takes good care of his children and doesn't do anything to hurt or harm them through words and actions.
This is my perception of a good father. It may be unfair for my dad to say this but why do I find it vague?
I thank the Lord everyday for giving my kids a good dad.
I thank the Lord for letting them experience the things that I didn't.
I thank the Lord for giving me the reason to celebrate Father's Day for 10 years.
I thank the Lord I made the right choice.
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| Source: www.disneybaby.com |
To my Dad, if you have the chance to read this, I am not mad at you. I love you that's why I'm hurting so much. Maybe I am just sad because you didn't try harder to understand and accept yourself. You would always blame us for all the misfortunes that would come your way.
You drove us away unconsciously.
Dad, forgive me if I'm not yet ready to see and forgive you. I'm sorry if I decided to shield my children from you. I am so afraid...very afraid... I am scared of you. I am scared that you'll hurt us again emotionally. I don't want my kids to experience the trauma that I still have when I hear the word DADDY, when I hear the telephone ring, when I see a drunk person walking towards me on the street or when a drunk person sits beside me in public. I would literally shake like a helpless child. You have no idea how difficult it is for me to go outside. I feel sick when I am on a crowd because I am afraid to see you again. I don't want to be in the same situation that I had for 22 years. But I am doing my best to overcome my fear...my fear seeing you. Just give me time.
Being far away from you doesn't mean that I don't care. You may not know this but I still think of you everyday. I still care, Dad.
If it's a sin to be away from you, I am willing to suffer the consequence. I believe that the decision I made five years ago was the best option for all of us.
I still look forward to the day that when we see each other, all wounds are already healed. Let us give each other more time to recover. I LOVE YOU, DAD. All of us know the truth. All I am wishing for is for you to accept the fact that you hurt me, my brother, most especially mom. We were victims of your false beliefs, hang-ups, unprocessed childhood experiences, and displacement of anger. Maybe you were not aware because you were a victim too. That gives me consolation.
Dad, please don't live in the past. The only way that you can move on is to accept your shortcomings.
DAD, THANK YOU. Without you, I wouldn't be here. All that I am right now is because of you and mom. Despite the hardships and pain, I still manage to keep moving forward and do my best to become a good person. The mistakes of the past taught me to make the right choices. I am strong because of you. That I am thankful.
Happy Father's Day and I'm sorry, Dad. Somehow I know that you still think of me. Don't worry, I'm okay. I am blessed with a man who takes good care of me and our kids. He is the reason why it is easier for me to still long for you despite of what happened. Take care of yourself. I am looking forward to see you, hopefully soon, before it's too late.
16 comments
Aawww... I'm teary-eyed. Maybe because I feel the same.
ReplyDeleteYou know Em, it took me 2 years before I had a courage to write about this. I tried to suppress the pain and trauma. My brother and I had a very sad childhood but we still chose to make the best out of it. I am thankful for having a strong mom and understanding brother. I believe that someday this will end. We need more time to heal. We love dad but we need time to recover because same mistakes are committed over and over. Hope that someday it will pass. Thanks, Em, I really appreciate you stopping by. Gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. Hope everything will be okay on your end. God bless...
ReplyDeleteThis seems like a VERY difficult piece/ letter to write. I could 'hear' the pain still, but underneath it all is also the love and sense of forgiveness...ultimately. I hope both of you, or all of you who have been hurt, find a sense of peace sooner than later. Moving on is never effortless, but the reward of knowing that we come out stronger or wiser always helps.
ReplyDeleteYes, it was very difficult, Mommy Joy. Thank you for stopping by and making me feel better. God bless...:)
DeleteYes Mommy that's what I fell also. My dad die after he called me to go home. We have issue for years even though I support him financially. We did not see each other eye-to-eye. Then one night I have a surprise call from him he told me to home we will even katay his precious cow and we will have feast. But sadly that was his last call. 2:30 am my phone rang again and my brother told me that my father is in the morgue already he had a fatal heart attack. At first sinisisi ko sarili ko not to care and give attention to him. It's the most painful day of my life. I suffer for years but I year after my mom see his diary this is what he said. "To my daughter, I'm not a perfect father and nor your a perfect daughter but I love you and I know di na ako magtatagal. Tatay has a cancer, don't cry my child be thankful to everything you have now. Tatay is always watching you."
DeleteSorry if I got emotional but when I read your blog everything went back to me.
Naiyak naman ako, Mommy Cheryl! I know that it's a sin to feel this way. I am still asking for God's help to make me move on and be forgiving. Ang hirap talaga but I should. I'm taking it one step at a time. Thank you so much!
DeleteSJ, that was so painful :( But I guess the pain that your father have caused made you a better and a stronger person. Acceptance comes first and forgiveness will come in due time. Only time can heal all wounds...keep living a good life and the rest will follow. Happy Sunday!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Rea! He was a victim too. I guess it's vicious cycle. I am still healing. I'll be ready to face him again in God's time.:)
DeleteAnd I'm crying this early in the morning. I am a daddy's girl and was lucky to have a father who may not be physically with us all the time since he works abroad, but I always feel his presence and love for us. My Husband though is on the same situation as you are, not at peace with his father. My daughter haven't had the chance to meet him yet. But maybe someday, when all the pain is gone. A good morning hug to you SJ!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Pauline! You're blessed.It's really hard especially when I think that my children also should see their grandfather. In God's time, I know it will happen. :)
DeleteI feel for you mommy, the hurt and sad feeling inside. It takes a lot of courage to say what we feel. God will surely help you and everything will be fine.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Heart! It took me years to be open up my life as a child. I felt relieved. :)
DeleteYes, we weren't blessed with perfect parents, nor we ourselves are not perfect parents, they were the ones given to us by God and I'm sure the experiences we have with them, although not all positive, there are lessons we could learn from.
ReplyDeleteYes, indeed, Cym! As imperfect as I may be, but I do my best to be the best mom that my kids deserve to have. I don't want them to experience having a sad childhood. My situation while I was growing up was complicated but I would not be the person who I am right now if I didn't experience that difficult situation. :)
DeleteDon't worry, I'm sure everything will come out alright in the end. And to write that letter is job well done because you are moving on and you forgive him.
ReplyDeleteI am looking forward to the day when I see him and not feeling the pain that I still have in my heart. I am asking for God's help, M. Thanks for stopping by and making me feel much better.
DeleteThanks for stopping by!
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